I need structure and routine to function well. I need to build habits that set me up for success and will stick. So I’m trying again. I’m going to keep trying until it becomes my norm.
Writing won’t happen unless you get in the habit of it. You can’t sit down and write a novel on a whim one day the first time you sit at the computer. You’ve got to write and write and write every day. It needs to become something you need to do to live.
I listened to an ADHD podcast the other day and it just sort of struck me that I’ve been more in my head than ever these days. I don’t think it’s coincidental that it’s been almost a month since I’ve had therapy. H (therapist) and my friend E can both be a sounding boards and resources for me, but it’s my responsibility to manage these thoughts and feelings without them taking over my life and affecting my relationships.
I need more time to process information. It’s often when I’m talking aloud to H or texting with E (through voice-to-text) that I come to some sort of understanding about whatever current situation I’m dealing with. Now I think about it, those conversations are usually after I have a decent amount of time either in the car or paddling on the lake.
There are ways in which I have incredible self-awareness. There are also times where my actions have come across in an unintended way and caused detriment to myself or others unbeknownst to me. Such opposite ends of the spectrum it almost seems unfair. Maybe that’s the play, though. If you get one really cool thing, you also get one shitty thing.
These are the instructions to Andrew:
- I need my Vyvanse to function.
- Without it, I will not only get lost in one singular thing/nothing at all, but I will be emotionally dysregulated the entire time. My window of tolerance will become so small that one change to existing plans will set off an entire cascade of negative thoughts leaving me paralyzed with inaction, or continually seeking a new place/topic/activity and as soon as I arrive/start, immediately want to be finished and gone.
- I take my meds in the morning with an energy drink.
- I’m not sure if this additional caffeine is needed (as it’s usually spaced throughout four hours from 8a-12p) or if this is just a habit that needs to be broken.
- I struggle to eat a normal sized meal until my meds wear off.
- I’m simply not hungry when on medication – OR it’s VERY easy to ignore the hunger signals my body sends me.
- I also tend to ignore other important signals from my body; namely going to the bathroom, hunger, thirst. (I’ve always struggled to drink enough water)
- If there is no plan for evening food before the meds wear off, it’s going to be a struggle to find something to eat.
- Nothing sounds good
- Everything requires mountains of effort
- Any idea of food I could eat pops in my head, then the voice that is constantly monitoring my intake pipes up and asks, “Does that food get me closer to my goal of being thinner and healthier, or no?”
- If that answer is no, the guilt of not being focused on my goal sets in and vetoes not only that food, but other foods that are similar. Imagine trying to think of something to eat and everything you can come up with has an excuse not to be consumed.
- Until I can no longer deal with the hunger pain and end up getting some type of processed food that is not healthy for my body.
- When the meds do wear off, hunger can be abated with a meal, however snacking after dinner is practically impossible to avoid.
- Purely dopamine seeking, snacking feels automatic and repetitive without tasting, I don’t remember eating food (possibly waking up to eat).
- This is characterized by high sugar foods like cookies and ice cream to which you are probably addicted.
- Purely dopamine seeking, snacking feels automatic and repetitive without tasting, I don’t remember eating food (possibly waking up to eat).
- I often have great intentions while grocery shopping, but when the time comes to cook the fresher food there is often a barrier to that activity (roommates in the kitchen/don’t feel like it) and the produce goes wasted.
- This is what we call part of the “ADHD Tax” – The money that us folks lose due to situations like forgetting payments that are due, or buying groceries that we don’t end up using.
- “Pumpkin Time” – AKA Med Wear Off – AKA The time of day I turn into a pumpkin
- Not only is this time characterized by hunger and dopamine seeking, but my emotional regulation skills wane and it’s much easier for me to become overwhelmed in social situations. Really great side effect for someone wanting to have a life outside of the office when you can’t socialize past 7pm without copious amounts of weed to take the edge off.
*sigh*
And now I’ve reached the end for tonight. It takes a lot for me to go through and write all of that down on the tail end of my med rainbow after working all day. I stare at a computer, print paperwork and pay bills all day. Tying myself to a computer to write after all that feels like a lot to ask.
The problem is that I don’t want to be paying someone else’s bills all day. I want to think about all the things I’m putting on the back burner because it has nothing to do with what’s happening in the RIGHT NOW.
That’s where I exist, now or not now. I’m trying to expand my world so I can see all the good things in between.