I always hated Sunday nights. It always meant an end to freedom and a return to the real world of work. The struggle to prove myself. The nights started to bleed into the day, and soon into Saturday. It was as if my world was work, and anxiety about returning to work. Now, I know it was anxiety. Then, I just felt this sense of dread and impending awfulness and wasn’t sure why.
I’ve been emotionally dysregulated every day this week. It feels like the weather put a literal cloud over my life on those days. I struggled constantly, even with daily use of my daylight lamp. I was at a fork in the road and I was scared to make the decision, so I let it envelop me for a few days.
Today, my world has opened up and I feel ready to start my next adventure.
Part of that next adventure has been this website. It’s been hard for me to get into. My problem is that I want it to be perfect, which doesn’t exist in this medium. Art and connection is subjective. I have so many plans for what this website could be. My dreams for it are huge. I’ve never had huge dreams about anything. I feel like I don’t want to mess it up. But here is what I’ve learned.
You have to fail.
You have to fail, over and over again.
You have to take chances and you have to risk being vulnerable.
My dream is not going to be set in my lap.
I am the only person responsible for my physical and mental well-being.
This life is about connection, and loving. Feeling your way through and into things. I don’t know what’s after this lifetime. All I know is that I’m here now, and this is how I feel. For so long in my life, I didn’t let myself feel anything.
I didn’t want to believe Brene in her first TED Talk. If you want the ability to experience all of the wonderful things in this life, you have to let yourself feel the hard things too. You can’t suppress all the bad and only get the good. Learning to feel and digging deep within myself to find those things I had buried for the last 30 years has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done thus far. I can feel it working.
Stay tuned…
We bet on ourselves and take risks- leaving ourselves vulnerable, and success can happens in those moments. We take the risk and become super happy we did. I encourage you, myself and the readers of this blog to live for the unimaginable and follow that whisper that says you can do it! #positiveselftalk