I’m not sure how long ago that previous post was, but it’s taken me this long and I’ve been really struggling to write.
I know I need to do it. for all of the reasons. I need to tell my story, I need to use it to figure out who I am and what I’ve been through.
I should definitely put on some drums, smoke and do some free association writing…
I seem to write better with less input from outside sources. Either that or overwhelming all of them at the same time so then I can actually focus on what’s typing in the back of my brain that’s scrolling by without thinking about if it’s spelled right or not. *note, I will go back and spell check this before posting, but only after I’ve done everything else
My life is so different than the way it was when I got here. It all still feels like a whirlwind to be honest. Maybe it’s only now, how far I am in therapy, vulnerable and stable emotionally, and… alone, that I’m able to reflect at all.
They say you’re supposed to write like everyone you know is dead… I’m choosing to believe that it’s been so long since I’ve paid attention to this website, that anyone from MI who knew or followed at all simply forgot about it.
This isn’t an attempt to point fingers, place blame, or provide excuses to or for anyone else mentioned.
This is simply my story.
Buckle Up.
*knocks softly*
Hi, there.
*waves*
Do you recognize me?
That’s right, I’m you, just a lot older. I’m Andrew, nice to meet you. Are you a little bit confused about me?
You don’t really feel it yet, but soon things will change and you’ll realize that your body doesn’t match your brain like it’s supposed to. You feel like a boy inside, and when you grow up you’re going to need to do some things to make your body match your brain.
I know it seems like a lot, and I’m not going to lie kid, you’re going to go through it. There are some really tough things in your path, but the good news is, you make it through! I’m standing here in front of you right now as proof.
The bad news is that you’re not going to get a lot of things you need while you’re growing up. You’ll have a place to live, clothes to wear and you won’t worry about starving, however, those aren’t the only things you have the right to as a child. (This was surprising and BRAND NEW INFORMATION to adult me, too!)
You’re going to be alone frequently, and there aren’t any friends around until you’re about 13. A lot of things are going to feel awkward, socially, and emotionally, and at home. Most of the internal awkwardness is figuring out that you’re attracted to women, and in society at the time that was not okay (thankfully that will have changed in the future).
There’s more for us to talk about, but why don’t we just cuddle and I can rock you in my lap for right now? I know this has got to be scary for you, so let’s just breathe, relax and be here together while we process that information.
Come here, there you go. All nestled in? A slow rock begins…