Yesterday was a crap shoot.
My aunt forgot to leave the door unlocked (even the one to the spare keys), so I got all the way out there and couldn’t do a damn thing.
I was pretty pleased with my reaction. I had smoked a lot in the morning, so I was medicated and in a positive place when I got there. I rolled with it, rearranged some things in my car, and decided to go for a hike at a nearby place. It was alright, but I felt off for the day. I had been in the frame of mind to work, not hike, so my brain felt like it was bouncing off so many trampolines at once that I couldn’t get settled.
I ended up coming home and trying to go to bed early. As my meds wore off, I went into “cognitive distortion” mode:
I was laying in my hammock and all of these thoughts just poured into my brain and I couldn’t stop it enough to sleep. All the ways things could go wrong, stuff not happening the way I had pictured, things about my relationship that were absurd to even think of, how I wasn’t prepared for when I arrive in Oregon.
I don’t know if people without ADHD understand the fact that my brain never stops. Ever. You know that voice in your head that tells you all the things you’re thinking? Mine is running 24/7. There is never a time when I am not thinking, or obsessing, or breaking things down in my head and my brain is narrating it. I have to listen to a familiar audiobook, or a show/movie just in order to get my head to shut up enough that I don’t think about all of MY shit. A smoke, a snack and the noise, and I might be able to relax enough to go to sleep.
Sometimes it really is exhausting just to try to move through the world and exist like everyone else.
-A