It’s my reality that life is a series of cycles. For me (and others with ADHD) these are short-term cycles that repeat themselves frequently, yet I still don’t remember to address THE THING. To put it in focus for people, these are things that I have to consciously make an effort to think about and address. Some of my frequent examples:
- Physically taking medication
- If I forget to take it before 11am, I will be unable to focus for most of the day and be up way too late.
- Refilling Scripts
- Meds are a controlled substance and refills are never allowed.
- I need to contact my prescriber every month to let him send the request to the pharmacy
- Pharmacy processing it through insurance and filling
- Me having to go pick it up
- All of that with enough time built in so that it can be picked up before I run out
- Eating and Drinking
- If I find myself starting to feel angry or quick to emotion about something, I have to stop and check in with myself with the following acronym.
- HALT = Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired/Temperature
- If I am currently feeling any of those things, I have to disregard anything my brain tells me until I fix it by eating, taking a walk, a nap, or getting a snack.
- Going to the Bathroom
- ask anyone I worked with for the last 6 years how often I’d say I had to go and hadn’t gone over an hour later
It took a year of tweaking multiple prescriptions for three different conditions, a sabbatical from a toxic work environment and therapy to increase my mindfulness to the point that I can recognize when this is happening. It’s taken so much practice to not only recognize this, but trying to now stop it before it happens. Take a look at how involved all of those things are. Now look at how they are just some of my basic needs. These don’t account for all of the other things that adults have to do in this capitalist society. Sometimes it’s really hard to make everything click on a given day. Spoon theory is a great metaphor.
The Spoon Theory posits that individuals start each day with a certain amount of energy — or number of spoons — that daily tasks and activities deplete. As you might imagine, those living with chronic conditions have fewer spoons than do their neurotypical counterparts.
Michele Novotni, Ph.D.
I was sorely lacking in spoons the last couple days. Feeling low energy, kinda mopey and starting to worry excessively about things I have no control over.
My Brain: I’m finally in a place where can do what I want! Why am I not doing it?
My Brain: All these things are going to go wrong! What if I can’t find campsites?
My Brain: Where will I live when I get there?
Me: Cries and hides in my safety tube
Until I realized it was another cycle.
Being a trans dude, I have to give myself injections of T(estosterone) every 10 days. I’ll have to do it for the rest of my life in order to maintain my transition. I have no problem with this. The thing that really blows is that T has a half-life of 8 days. I don’t know if anyone remembers this from chemistry, but it basically runs out on day 8. Which means that those two days are spiked with high estrogen levels and um, that really fucks with me. I cry over stupid shit, take everything personally, and self-doubt like it’s my job.
Every once in a while, I’ll forget what day it is and get myself into a funk that starts earlier in the cycle. As soon as I do my injection, my body relaxes and by the end of that day I’m centered again.
Today is shot day, thank god.
I’m starting today with renewed vigor, helped by the fact that I organized, trashed, and packed more shit from the basement over the weekend. I’m about to take those boxes to donation sites this afternoon, and move more trash out into the garage. More and more space is opening up down here, and while it doesn’t feel like as much progress is being made, I know it is. It’s cold outside right now, and I get cold easily because I take stimulants. It’s going to warm up and I can be out there and working every day until 7pm if I want to.
Okay, getting antsy. Been sitting typing for too long.
I’m out.
-A