manhood without a map

I’ve always needed more time to transition from thing to thing. It’s a pattern we finally noticed in 2020, and it’s been helpful to be able to name these cluster of reactions when they start popping up and focus on giving myself more time to get used to the new situation. Obviously this website has…

It’s really hard for me to admit that this trip isn’t what I wanted it to be. I felt like this was supposed to be a soul searching journey, and it’s become a series of stops and worrying about if I’m going to get to my next stop safely, and how much I feel restricted…

I’ve had a frustrating couple of days. It is not at all coincidental that it lines up with my shot day. I’ve learned that I can adjust my expectations and things will be fine. I’m not at all worried about the fact that the trip hasn’t gone at all like I’d planned so far. I…

Camped for the first night with the new tent. Awesome. Will update with pics later. I’m trying to set up an instagram account so I can put stuff up there easier to follow, but right now I can’t seem to get an account. Right now it’s too damn cold, and I need to pack up….

I’m not doing numbered days, that’s too much pressure for me. I’m finding it hard to update from the road right now. I’m not sure if that’s cause I haven’t found my travel groove yet, or because I haven’t actually camped. Let’s do a quick recap Saturday I was shooting to leave by 9am, so…

The start did not go as I was hoping, but in the end, I’ll have started in the right place. Re-learned a few things on the way. Do not schedule multiple stops that are time dependent on each other “Eating nuts in the car” does not stave off the emotional dysregulation that floods my body…

Here we go, folks. The list is made, and the flurry of activity intensifies. Tomorrow is my 39th birthday, and I’m about to begin my life again. Flashing back now. I’m 28, on a bench catching my breath because I’m too tired to keep walking in from the parking lot. It’s the week of my…

Now that I am a day out from the test night, I’ve made some decisions. I’m not pushing myself to leave by Wednesday. I was trying so hard to get to Portland before Kate’s birthday, but after some tough conversation last night, I realize that can’t be my timeline. I need to do this on…

Last night I went out to the barn where I’ve been working on the camper and set up my spot to test things out. Lots of good things, lots of things to work on. I’m feeling like I’m not prepared when it comes to the camper. There are so many things that aren’t done, but…

To say these last ten days have been very up and down would be a complete understatement. My days consist of flurries of activity and bouts of hyperfocus on challenging tasks. At night, when my meds wear off, my mind races with all of the THINGS. What ifs and grieving the departure of the place…